Casual dating for beginners: what it's really like

Nobody arrives at casual dating knowing the unwritten rules, mostly because there aren't many. There are a few habits, though, that make it fun rather than fraught, and they're easy to learn.

So what does 'casual' actually mean?

Casual dating is two adults agreeing, up front, that they want flirting, fun and chemistry without the expectations of a relationship. That can mean one memorable evening, or someone you see every so often for months. What makes it casual isn't how often you meet. It's that neither of you has signed up for meeting the parents, shared calendars or the "where is this going?" chat.

Casual doesn't mean careless. The people who enjoy it most tend to be the clearest: they say what they want, they're kind about it, and they treat the other person as a person. Honesty and no-strings fun get on much better than you might expect.

You also don't need to have it all worked out on day one. Lots of first-timers start out curious and figure out what suits them as they go. That's fine, as long as you're honest that you're still figuring it out.

The jargon, translated

Casual dating has its own shorthand, and none of it is complicated. These are the terms you're most likely to see in profiles and chats:

If someone uses a term you don't recognise, ask. "What do you mean by that?" is a perfectly grown-up question, and the answer tells you a lot.

Is casual dating for you?

Casual dating suits people who want company and chemistry without the commitment, and who are comfortable saying so out loud. It tends to suit you less if you're secretly hoping it turns into a relationship, or if you're using it to avoid feelings that need some attention first.

None of that is a test you can fail. It's a nudge to be honest with yourself before you're honest with anyone else.

Work out what you want before you start

Ten quiet minutes before you join saves a lot of awkward conversations later. A few questions worth answering honestly, even if only to yourself:

• What are you after? A one-off, something regular with the same person, or open to seeing what happens?
• What's off the table? Your limits are much easier to state calmly before anyone asks than in the moment.
• How private do you need to be? If you'd rather your face wasn't the first thing people see, decide that before your photos go up, not after.
• How much time do you really have? Casual still takes the odd evening. Be realistic about what you can offer someone.
• Why now? Fresh out of a break-up, casual can be a lovely confidence boost, or a way of avoiding feelings that need a bit of attention. Only you know which.

Jot the answers down if it helps. You'll use them in your profile and in your first few chats.

A profile that's honest, and still fun

A good casual profile tells the right people you're worth messaging and gently steers away people who want something different. One honest line about what you're looking for does more than a paragraph of jokes. "Looking for fun and good company, not a relationship" is clear, friendly and saves everyone time.

After that, be specific. "I like going out" could be anyone. "Happiest in a beer garden on a warm evening, hopeless at pub quizzes, excellent at chips" sounds like a person someone might want to meet. Keep it playful rather than explicit: suggestive is fine, a list of acts isn't, and it tends to draw the wrong kind of attention.

Photos are reviewed before they appear, and the image rules don't allow nudity or lingerie shots, so choose clear, recent pictures that look like you on a good day. Our guide to writing your profile has example profiles you can adapt.

One thing to know as you browse: photos are reviewed, but nobody checks what members write about themselves. Read other profiles with friendly scepticism, the same way you'd hope people read yours in good faith.

Your first week, step by step

The easiest way to start is slowly: look around for free, and only pay once there's someone you want to talk to. Joining, building a profile and browsing are free on Fish for Naughty Singles; reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership, which renews until you cancel it. How it works explains each step, and our prices page covers renewals.

1. Join and fill in your profile. Start with what you're after, add a few details and a photo or two.
2. Browse for a few days. Get a feel for who's around and what people say they want. There's no rush to upgrade.
3. Write to one or two people whose profiles you liked. Short, specific and easy to answer works best; the first-messages guide has examples.
4. Chat on the site for a while. You'll soon know whether you click, and you're not handing your number to someone after three messages.
5. Have a quick phone or video call. Two minutes confirms they look like their photos and that the chemistry survives a real voice.
6. Meet somewhere public for a drink. Arrange your own way there and back, and tell a friend where you'll be.

Treat the first meeting as a drink, not a promise. Either of you can decide it isn't a match, and saying so politely is good manners, not rudeness. What happens after that drink is for the two of you to decide together, on the night, with nothing assumed. The first meet-up checklist covers the practical side.

Consent, and why you can always change your mind

Consent means both of you actively want what's happening, each time and all the way through. In England and Wales the law describes it as agreeing by choice, with the freedom and capacity to make that choice; Scots law calls it "free agreement". Agreeing to meet isn't agreeing to sex. Agreeing to one thing isn't agreeing to everything. And a yes earlier can become a no at any point, for any reason, without an explanation.

In practice it's far less awkward than it sounds. "Is this OK?", "Do you want to?" and "Shall we slow down?" are normal things adults say to each other, and most people find them reassuring rather than a mood-killer. Watch as well as listen. Someone going quiet, tensing up or pulling away is telling you something, even if they haven't said no.

Someone who has had so much to drink that they can't make a clear choice can't consent. Keep a first meeting to a drink or two: better for your judgement, and better for your safety.

Changing your mind applies to you as well. You can leave a date early, stop at any point, or decide after three dates that you'd rather not see someone again. Anyone who pressures you, sulks or argues is showing you exactly why you were right to stop.

Safer sex belongs in the same conversation. Take condoms, agree to use them, and get tested regularly when you have new partners. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and you don't need a GP referral. Our safety page has more on testing and where to get help.

When feelings creep in

Feelings sometimes turn up in casual arrangements, and it isn't a failure when they do. The answer is the same honesty that started things: say so, kindly and early, rather than hoping it passes or that they'll guess.

There are really three ways it goes. They feel the same, and you talk about what that means for you both. They don't, and you decide whether you can keep things casual without it stinging (often you can't, and that's fine). Or one of you ends it, warmly and with a clear message rather than a slow fade. If you're on the receiving end, thank them for being straight with you, and be equally straight back.

An example of a kind exit message, to adapt: "I've really enjoyed our evenings, but I've realised I want something different, so I'm going to step back. Thanks for being great company." Short, clear, and nobody left guessing.

And it's fine to stop altogether. If casual dating turns out not to be for you, that's worth knowing too. Cancel your membership in Settings > Billing so it doesn't renew, and if you want to leave completely, tap your avatar, then Settings > Delete Account.