Your first casual meet-up: a safety checklist

Most first meet-ups are a drink, a laugh and, at worst, a polite "nice to meet you" at the end. The checklist below is about making sure that's how yours goes, and that you can relax enough to enjoy it.

The whole checklist at a glance

A safe first meet-up comes down to a call beforehand, a public place, a friend in the loop and your own way home. Here's everything on one screen; the sections below explain each part.

Before you go

The most useful thing you can do before meeting is a short phone or video call. A couple of minutes confirms they look like their photos and sound like their messages. If they keep dodging a call, take that as your answer.

• Agree what you're both after. If you haven't already, a light "just so we're clear, I'm after something casual" avoids awkwardness later. The beginner's guide has more on this.
• Tell a friend. Their name and profile, where you're going and when. Agree a time you'll text them, and what they should do if you don't.
• Plan your own way home. Know your last train or bus, or have the money and a number or app for a taxi. Don't rely on your date for a lift.
• Charge your phone. Take a charger or power bank if it's going to be a long evening, and consider turning on location sharing with your friend for the night.
• Pack condoms if there's any chance things might go further, whoever you are and whoever you're meeting.

Keep your home address, workplace and surname to yourself for now; our profile guide explains how easily small details add up. If they need to know where to meet, a venue is enough. If you've moved from site chat to texting, our first-messages guide covers when that makes sense.

What to text your friend

Something short is fine. This is an example to adapt: "Meeting Sam from the dating site tonight, 7pm at the Red Lion on the high street. Profile screenshot attached. I'll text by 9.30. If you don't hear from me, call me, and if I don't answer, call again and then try the pub."

Choosing the place

Pick somewhere public, busy and ideally familiar to you: a pub, bar or café where you can hear each other talk. Daytime or early evening suits a first meeting well. Avoid meeting at either of your homes, a hotel room or anywhere isolated the first time, however good the chat has been.

Arrive under your own steam, and if you'd like extra reassurance, get there a few minutes early so you can settle in and know where the exits and the bar staff are. A place with staff on hand and easy transport home beats somewhere fancy every time.

On the night

Keep to a drink or two. You'll make better decisions, you'll remember the evening, and you'll be in a better state to spot if something feels wrong.

Keep an eye on your drink and don't leave it unattended. If you or your date suddenly feel far more drunk than you should, or unwell, tell the bar staff straight away and get help. Spiking is a crime, and venue staff and police take it seriously. In an emergency, call 999; for urgent medical advice in England, Scotland or Wales, call NHS 111.

Trust your gut. If they look nothing like their photos, push you to drink more, or won't take a hint, you can leave. Text your friend when you head off, and again when you're home.

Polite ways to wrap it up

You never need an excuse to end a date, but having the words ready helps. Examples to borrow:

• "I've had a nice time, but I don't think we're quite a match. Thanks for coming out."
• "I'm going to call it a night. Safe trip home."
• If you'd like to see them again: "This was fun. Fancy doing it again next week?"

If things go further

Only if you both want to, and only once you've both said so. Consent is checked as you go, not assumed from the fact you met. Ask ("Is this OK?", "Do you want to?") and listen to the answer, including the unspoken one. Either of you can stop at any point, and stopping needs no reason. Someone who's had too much to drink to make a clear choice can't consent.

Agree to use a condom before things get going, rather than in the moment. If you go somewhere else, text your friend the address. And keep your own way home sorted; you shouldn't have to stay anywhere because you've no other choice.

The day after

Check in with your friend if you haven't. Then a few things worth knowing:

• Sexual health. Regular testing is sensible whenever you have new partners. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and you don't need a GP referral. Free home testing kits are available in many areas, but what's offered depends on where you live.
• If a condom split or wasn't used. Emergency contraception works best the sooner it's taken: the pills are licensed for use within 3 or 5 days depending on type, and a copper coil (IUD) can be fitted within 5 days. A pharmacy, GP or sexual health clinic can help. If you're worried about HIV, ask a sexual health clinic or A&E about PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) straight away, because it has to be started within 72 hours.
• A kind message. If the date was fine but not for you, a short note saying so is the decent thing to send. If it was great, say that too.

If something happened that you didn't agree to

If something happened that you didn't consent to, it is not your fault, and help is available whether or not you decide to report it. You can call the police on 999 in an emergency or 101 otherwise.

Sexual assault referral centres (SARCs) offer medical care, emergency contraception, tests and support, and in many cases can store forensic evidence while you decide what to do. The NHS website explains how to find one. These lines can talk you through your options:

To report a member, use the members help centre with their username, and keep screenshots of your chats. Our safety page covers scams, image-based abuse and the rest of the UK's reporting lines, and how it works explains what the site does and doesn't check.