First messages for casual dating: what gets a reply

A first message has one job: to make the other person want to reply. It doesn't need to be clever, and it definitely doesn't need to be a speech.

Reading and replying to messages is the paid part of Fish for Naughty Singles, so it's worth reading this before you upgrade. Our prices page explains what you'll pay and how renewal works.

Read their profile before you type

The biggest difference between messages that get answered and those that don't is whether the sender actually read the profile. Look for one thing you can pick up on: a place they mention, a hobby, a joke, what they say they're looking for, a detail in a photo.

Then check you're after roughly the same thing. If their profile says "regular fun with one person" and you want a single night, say so early or move on. It saves both of you a wasted evening. If your own profile is still blank, fix that first; people check who's writing to them, and our guide to writing your profile takes about twenty minutes to put into practice.

Three things good openers do

Good openers are specific, light and end with a question that's easy to answer. These are examples to adapt, not scripts:

Each better version could only have been sent to that person, and each gives them something simple to say back. Compliments aren't banned, but a compliment about something they chose (their style, their sense of humour, their taste in pubs) lands better than one about their body.

Flirty without being explicit

On a casual site a bit of cheek is welcome, but graphic messages to a stranger rarely get anything except blocked. Everyone knows why they're here, so you don't have to pretend you're after a book club. "I'll admit your profile made me smile, and not only because of the dog" is flirty. A detailed description of what you'd like to do to someone you've never spoken to is not.

A good rule: match their tone, and let it build. If they keep things playful, so can you. If they go quiet when you push it, take the hint.

Never send intimate photos that weren't asked for. Apart from being unwelcome, in England and Wales sending someone an unsolicited image of genitals can be a criminal offence (often called cyberflashing). And think hard before sending any intimate image, even when asked, to someone you haven't met. Once it's sent, you can't take it back. Sharing someone else's intimate image without their consent, or threatening to, is an offence in every part of the UK.

Keeping the conversation going

A good chat is a back-and-forth, not an interview: answer their question, add something of your own, ask one back. Short messages with a bit of personality beat long ones that read like a form.

Here's an example of how an early chat might flow. The names and details are made up:

Alex: You said your perfect evening ends with chips. Salt and vinegar, or are you a curry sauce person?

Jo: Curry sauce, obviously. Do you always open with condiments?

Alex: Only with people who mention chips in their profile. I'm new to this, so I'm keeping it simple. How are you finding it?

Somewhere along the way, talk about what you're both after. It doesn't need to be heavy: "Just so we're on the same page, I'm after something fun and easy-going, nothing serious. That suit you?" is clear and kind. Agreeing early means nobody's guessing later.

Moving off the site, and when to call

Keep chatting on the site until you've got a feel for someone, then suggest a short phone or video call before you meet. A call confirms they're the person in the photos, and it's a gentle way to find out whether the spark survives a real voice.

When you do swap numbers:

1. Wait until you'd be happy for them to have it. A few days of easy chat is a sensible minimum.
2. Consider a messaging app that doesn't show your full name or link to your social media profiles.
3. Keep the site chat, rather than deleting it, so you have a record if you ever need to report something.
4. Book the call. "Fancy a quick video chat on Thursday evening before we meet?" is all it takes.

The first meet-up checklist picks up from there, and the beginner's guide explains the usual path from chat to meeting.

When they don't reply, or you'd rather not

Silence happens to everyone, often for reasons that have nothing to do with you. People get busy, chat to several members at once, or simply aren't looking right now. Send one light follow-up after a few days if you like ("No worries if not, but the offer of a pub-quiz rematch stands"). After that, let it go.

If you're the one who isn't interested, a short "thanks" is kinder than silence. An example: "Thanks for the message. I don't think we're quite what each other's after, but good luck." If someone keeps messaging after a clear no, block them and report the profile.

Red flags in a chat

Photos on the platform are reviewed, but what members write about themselves isn't checked, so be alert to conversations that don't add up. These are the warning signs worth acting on:

If any of that happens, stop replying and report the profile through the members help centre. If you've lost money, call your bank straight away, then report it to Report Fraud (England, Wales and Northern Ireland) online or on 0300 123 2040, or to Police Scotland on 101. Suspicious texts can be forwarded free to 7726, and scam emails to report@phishing.gov.uk. Our safety page has the full list of where to get help, including what to do if someone threatens to share images of you.